For The One: Who Can't "Feel" God

For the One: Who Can't "Feel" God

“I have been seeking God for so long and I still feel numb. Why can’t I feel Him?” 

This is an exact quote I asked my mentor in the middle of our local coffee shop. I sat across from Brittany Swails, holding back tears, begging for her to give me some answers to why I couldn’t feel God. I was chasing a feeling I had before, and after months of doing everything I thought I knew to do to be close to God, I still felt numb. I was certain God had left me. I was sure I was the exception to the verse in Hebrews 13:5 that directly says, “...I will never leave nor abandon you.” I believed it was still true for everyone else, but me of course. I started to believe the “If God really” and “Did God really” lies. You know the one Satan used in the Garden of Eden? “Did God really say you couldn’t eat from the tree of life?” I started to question God because surely I wasn’t the problem (lol).

Without stuttering Brittany responded back to me, “It’s because it is not about you Jacqui.” Ouch. I sat in my chair speechless. “Did she really just say that to me?” I thought, “Maybe she misheard me because it’s my feelings we're talking about here.” She then continued and said, “Your quiet time with God is not about you and your feelings. It is learning more about God. You’re not focusing on Him, you’ve made it all about you.” I have thanked Brittany countless times since this talk for snapping me back to reality. She was right. I was looking for myself in the Bible for all the feel-good verses about Jesus that I could try to relate to myself. I laugh at myself now looking back because I relate closer to the Israelites that kept messing up rather than Jesus. 

I am not saying that we don’t look to the bible to find our true identity. We are called to be imitators of Christ, but to imitate Him we must know who He is. The search is to find Jesus so we can find ourselves, not the other way around. Jeremiah 29:13 states, “When you seek ME you will find me, when you seek me with all of your heart.” We are to seek God wholeheartedly. The Bible is for us to know who the Creator is. It all points back to a Savior who loves us. Sitting here writing this, God reminded me about the analogy of how He is the artist and we are His masterpiece. You don’t stare at a painting asking it why it was made this way- you ask the artist. To understand His reasonings- you learn His heart.

Our relationship with God is not about feelings, but I will say when I direct my focus on Him- the feelings I was searching for did follow. I continue to learn how to choose joy, love, patience, goodness, peace, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:20). I learn how to be slow to anger (James 1:19). I learn how to do all of these things because I shift my focus to the ONE who created these emotions. He has never been far, I was just looking the wrong way. How great is our God that He uses others to bring us back to Him every. single. time.

Love,

Jacqui

FTO Co-founder